as i walk away i think of my history...i actually won the class '' A " finals while having an asthma attack...and i only poisoned three people to do it...i only ever had one
''behaviour warning '' during my three and a half years on the circuit...and that was because my head was so fucked up on steroids - asthma -that i could hardly see the frigging ball...and as for my doubles partner , greg sullivan...he would tragically die on a " head on '' just days after i "hunted him down'' and told him how much he meant to me...
...yea...i gave greg my stuffed animal collection once...i heard a rumour that he fired them to the moon .
see you soon , greg
Friday, March 31, 2017
chapter 91
...so there i am...walking by a tennis court in the autumn of 2017...i had just played my " comeback tournament '' and had lost in the second round .
i got a great excuse...i have a disease that could actually make me hallucinate to the point that a tennis ball would look like a giant grasshopper...and that was one of the nice symptoms .
ANYWAY...there i am and this man in his mid forties comes up to me and says...'' are you stu strang ???
i stop picking my bum and reply...'' i am not sure any more...but go ahead " .
he tells me of how i rescued him from four bullies back in the eighties...he said that all his life he wanted to thank me .
...i smile and shook his hand .
i got a great excuse...i have a disease that could actually make me hallucinate to the point that a tennis ball would look like a giant grasshopper...and that was one of the nice symptoms .
ANYWAY...there i am and this man in his mid forties comes up to me and says...'' are you stu strang ???
i stop picking my bum and reply...'' i am not sure any more...but go ahead " .
he tells me of how i rescued him from four bullies back in the eighties...he said that all his life he wanted to thank me .
...i smile and shook his hand .
chapter 90
after beating dennis 7-5 in the third set...i went on to win the cape breton class " A " with relative ease .
...i then proceeded to hit a ball into the sky which , against all odds...struck and murdered an italian bald eagle...
...i walked off the court and was handed a letter half way to the podium .
...it was my girlfriend and i won't tell you what she said...but i will tell you that it should not be repeated .
by the time i got to the troll... ( trophy person )...and i mean that with all the respect to the troll kingdom...( trolls are actually sweet little loving creatures ) ...tears were streaming down my ass...and i would never see her hard-hearted , snarky , cute little face again .
...i then proceeded to hit a ball into the sky which , against all odds...struck and murdered an italian bald eagle...
...i walked off the court and was handed a letter half way to the podium .
...it was my girlfriend and i won't tell you what she said...but i will tell you that it should not be repeated .
by the time i got to the troll... ( trophy person )...and i mean that with all the respect to the troll kingdom...( trolls are actually sweet little loving creatures ) ...tears were streaming down my ass...and i would never see her hard-hearted , snarky , cute little face again .
chapter 89
now that i am almost finished this story , i can't help but think that this may mean nothing to you...that is to say...maybe you are jimmy connors...( the real greatest of all time )...and you think my fucking accomplishments are insanely boring...that you could have pulled them out of your ass...and killed an endangered species with them .
...maybe a whole lot of things...but this one will charm the crap out of you :
...maybe a whole lot of things...but this one will charm the crap out of you :
chapter 88
so...me and my arrow...( and if you get that reference , you are either very fucking old...or a musicologist )...are driving to cape breton so i can try my luck with '' the boys in the band '' .
...i grab a news paper to see who was in the main draw , tape it to the windshield , climb onto the hood...open up a 40 ''ouncer'' of rum...and let my fingers do the walking through the hallucinogenic ink...
...and there was his name before me...set to play me , if all things remain equal , in the semi-finals...dennis lablanc...disputably , the number one class "A " player of all time .
suddenly the universe doesn't seem so friendly .
...i grab a news paper to see who was in the main draw , tape it to the windshield , climb onto the hood...open up a 40 ''ouncer'' of rum...and let my fingers do the walking through the hallucinogenic ink...
...and there was his name before me...set to play me , if all things remain equal , in the semi-finals...dennis lablanc...disputably , the number one class "A " player of all time .
suddenly the universe doesn't seem so friendly .
chapter 87
do you know what i really love about life ??? lesbians !!! i can't get enough of them...spaniels and lesbians are god's best ideas .
and as for those fundamentalists who believe that being a lesbian is a ''sin''...well , the only reason you really believe that is so i can have a good laugh at you .
not that i wish i were a lesbian...and not that i wish that i were not , either...it is not about that...and it is not about a whole lot of things...
...what is it about ??? i will tell you...it is about : SMILE , AND HAVE A LESBIAN KINDA DAY !!!
and as for those fundamentalists who believe that being a lesbian is a ''sin''...well , the only reason you really believe that is so i can have a good laugh at you .
not that i wish i were a lesbian...and not that i wish that i were not , either...it is not about that...and it is not about a whole lot of things...
...what is it about ??? i will tell you...it is about : SMILE , AND HAVE A LESBIAN KINDA DAY !!!
Thursday, March 30, 2017
chapter 85
...just for the record , i payed back mr . piggot's generosity over the course of the summer by beating him on four separate occasions .
i tried to convince him not to take it seriously , and that it was god's will...but he seemed to think that there were other factors involved...you know...like me being an ass hole .
jim was my favourite opponent...he was dangerous and he knew how to have fun...the four straight victories meant very little if anything .
i tried to convince him not to take it seriously , and that it was god's will...but he seemed to think that there were other factors involved...you know...like me being an ass hole .
jim was my favourite opponent...he was dangerous and he knew how to have fun...the four straight victories meant very little if anything .
chapter 84
...do you know how i beat pat drake ??? simple...i didn't...jim piggot beat him for me...that is to say...he implanted this little martian device in the back of my ass...and it would give me directions every time i farted ...neat , eh ???
just for the record...if you ever get a chance to eat someone from mars...fry it...do not bake .
just for the record...if you ever get a chance to eat someone from mars...fry it...do not bake .
chapter 83
...the question still remains...would spider man be an alcoholic if he couldn't do that spider man thing ???
chapter 82
...next stop , liverpool...which set up a final match between me and this guy...( no shit )...dressed like a drunken pirate .
davis atkinson was kinda out of his mind and kinda sweet...ANYWAY...i thought he was one of the most entertaining players in the history of the sport .
davis handed me my second loss in the finals in a row , having captured the halifax natal day by beating pat drake , despite his 150 mile an hour forehand that apparently accidentally hit a cat so hard that they had to break a chained link fence to get what was left of his testicles out of there .
davis atkinson was kinda out of his mind and kinda sweet...ANYWAY...i thought he was one of the most entertaining players in the history of the sport .
davis handed me my second loss in the finals in a row , having captured the halifax natal day by beating pat drake , despite his 150 mile an hour forehand that apparently accidentally hit a cat so hard that they had to break a chained link fence to get what was left of his testicles out of there .
Wednesday, March 29, 2017
chapter 81
the first thing we had to do is give greg a nick name...we settled on SMUGALONTEESUG , as it seemed like a reasonable choice at the time .
...then we had to get him a female companion...and we did...one that would ride 100 plus miles per hour down the wrong side of the road , heading straight for an 18 wheeler...as she climbed onto the top of the hood waving her vibrator like a confederate flag .
we went to lunenburg...and mr . sullivan...god bless his heart...disposed of me in the finals .
playing greg was an honour...he hit the ball exactly the way i imagined jesus hitting the ball ...( you know ??? kinda ) .
...then we had to get him a female companion...and we did...one that would ride 100 plus miles per hour down the wrong side of the road , heading straight for an 18 wheeler...as she climbed onto the top of the hood waving her vibrator like a confederate flag .
we went to lunenburg...and mr . sullivan...god bless his heart...disposed of me in the finals .
playing greg was an honour...he hit the ball exactly the way i imagined jesus hitting the ball ...( you know ??? kinda ) .
chapter 80
if you ever decide you are a nudest...here is a good idea for you...become a model in an art college and have them throw money at you for it .
my best pose was having a shit right on the centre of the stage...they compared me to mosart for that one .
my best pose was having a shit right on the centre of the stage...they compared me to mosart for that one .
chapter 79
fuck it...who cares...what the hell...screw a monkey and all that crap...i didn't like doubles , anyway...i played with my folks , because they were so fucking cool...but , besides that...doubles meant sweet little nothing to me .
greg and in , in 1984 , '' kicked ass ''...not because we were any good...we kinda sucked...but we were pretty good at singles...so all we did was play singles on a doubles court...that and a t - spoon of rat poison...and , just like john lennon..." we got through the night '' .
...greg was my new buddy...and a meeker soul you could not find .
greg and in , in 1984 , '' kicked ass ''...not because we were any good...we kinda sucked...but we were pretty good at singles...so all we did was play singles on a doubles court...that and a t - spoon of rat poison...and , just like john lennon..." we got through the night '' .
...greg was my new buddy...and a meeker soul you could not find .
chapter 78
...so there i was...sitting on a bench...thinking about dingo's...wondering if their sexual insecurity is what causes them to behave like a pirates with no left nut...then this guy sits beside me...he smiles...no , i mean really smiles...for , like 20 minutes...then he opens his moth and proceeds to speak...he says... ''you and i would make a really good doubles team '' .
chapter 77
the summers of 1982 and 1983 , my health was simply too erratic to play on the circuit...not that i was dying or anything...( that would come later )...but i didn't want to find myself in the quarter finals somewhere only to have " sick stu '' rear his ugly head and proceed to laugh at me all the way to the showers .
i spent the summer teaching tennis and travelling the galaxy...more the former than the ladder .
i also learned the art of performing an exorcism...only to discover people were madly in love with their demonic worship .
...too bad .
i spent the summer teaching tennis and travelling the galaxy...more the former than the ladder .
i also learned the art of performing an exorcism...only to discover people were madly in love with their demonic worship .
...too bad .
Tuesday, March 28, 2017
chapter 76
...one of the kids i was teaching became a good friend some six years later...i remember us going for a drive to some place or another...and out of nowhere these prostitutes jumped into the back of my car and began fondling themselves with a hash pipe .
i told them that their behaviour was very inappropriate....and that if they were going to smoke that shit in my car...at the very least one tit should be hanging out .
god bless their hyper hooker souls...they agreed with my logic and each one slung a big fat one out of a window .
...it was a splendid evening .
i told them that their behaviour was very inappropriate....and that if they were going to smoke that shit in my car...at the very least one tit should be hanging out .
god bless their hyper hooker souls...they agreed with my logic and each one slung a big fat one out of a window .
...it was a splendid evening .
chapter 75
my brother , at the tender age of 15...had screwed more housewives than i had wins in the win column...roughly translated...steven was better at his sport than i was at mine .
chapter 74
the girls really didn't give a flying fuck...but what the guys really liked was me serving the ball hard enough to break the raquit...it went over great...fuck...you would have thought i had bought them beach front property on the sun...but let's face it...back then...making people smile was a much fucking easier game .
oh , yes...they...( boys and girls )..loved the little puppet i brought to the show who went by the name of TERRY TENNIS...he fascinated them...
...i remember the first time john... came to visit my site....the kids were screaming..." we want terry tennis , we want terry tennis "...john quietly turned to me and said...'' who in the fuck is terry tennis " ???
...so we showed him .
oh , yes...they...( boys and girls )..loved the little puppet i brought to the show who went by the name of TERRY TENNIS...he fascinated them...
...i remember the first time john... came to visit my site....the kids were screaming..." we want terry tennis , we want terry tennis "...john quietly turned to me and said...'' who in the fuck is terry tennis " ???
...so we showed him .
chapter 73
the next three years were probably the happiest of my life...our P .W . M .T . L . site was more of a community than anything else...the kids loved each other and john...( the guy who MIRACULOUSLY got me the job )...even helped me get my shambles of a tennis game back together ...in 1981 i was either # 10 or 11...and , better still...i was enjoying the game again...it was right up there with my spaniel in terms of what i thought was one of god 's reasonable ideas .
chapter 72
the reason why i did not apply for the job of PEPSI WILSON MINOR TENNIS LEAGUE instructor...is because i thought i had another job...a blow job...
...making a long story short...i settled for a hand job and got on with the business of training the next generation of tennis players .
...making a long story short...i settled for a hand job and got on with the business of training the next generation of tennis players .
Monday, March 27, 2017
chapter 71
''dring , dring , dring''...it is the phone... my mother answers it...
''it is for you'' , she says...
''who is it ???'' , i reply ...
''that guy who beat you four times a couple of years ago'' , she says ...
''what does he want '' ??? i slur through my alcoholic haze...
''how in the name of jehova should i know'' she bellows as the hawk screeches past the sperm-like moon...
''hey , john ''... stu here...
''you got the job''...
...'' WHAT FUCKING JOB '' ???
chapter 70
you got it right , folks...long before i had the most infamous underground satirical publication in the country...long before i made the deli lama's personal friend list...long before the faculty of rhema bible college dedicated personally to me a sermon entitled : BY - PRODUCT OF A LEFT - OVER FUCK...( sorta)..i was...
...BIG - FOOT .
me bigfoot...bigfoot i is and bigfoot i are .
...BIG - FOOT .
me bigfoot...bigfoot i is and bigfoot i are .
chapter 69
did you ever see the movie : THE LEGEND OF BOGGY CREEK ??? it was
about this bigfoot character that travelled throughout the woods extensively...until one day...someone caught him masturbating behind a tree branch and he was so humiliated that he ran his smelly ass into the forest...never to be seen for a decade or so .
...poor bastard !!!
about this bigfoot character that travelled throughout the woods extensively...until one day...someone caught him masturbating behind a tree branch and he was so humiliated that he ran his smelly ass into the forest...never to be seen for a decade or so .
...poor bastard !!!
chapter 67
the summer of 1978...along with 1975...the hottest summer i experienced in canada .
my tennis was fucking amazing , too...and by that i mean...somewhat impressive...especially if you are doing drugs while you are watching .
the thing is...i didn't put out enough to get a provincial ranking...my interests were just a bit too varied for that...and this time...it actually made sense...nobody ripping me off...nobody throwing my pocket pussy in the fireplace...and certainly no parasites playing ping pong with the back of my ass hole .
( well , actually i did put out...all over her breasts...but that is another story ) .
my tennis was fucking amazing , too...and by that i mean...somewhat impressive...especially if you are doing drugs while you are watching .
the thing is...i didn't put out enough to get a provincial ranking...my interests were just a bit too varied for that...and this time...it actually made sense...nobody ripping me off...nobody throwing my pocket pussy in the fireplace...and certainly no parasites playing ping pong with the back of my ass hole .
( well , actually i did put out...all over her breasts...but that is another story ) .
chapter 66
chapter 66 is like chapter 65...but one better...of course...on the other end...it is one less than 67 .
i once fell into a time warp filled with gargoyles and drunken trolls...and that turned out to be chapter 66 and a half...
...i was confused for weeks .
i once fell into a time warp filled with gargoyles and drunken trolls...and that turned out to be chapter 66 and a half...
...i was confused for weeks .
...and now for chapter 65...
in chapter 65 , we find the hero , me...actually being pleasant and nice...calm and cool...as i masturbate my way to the finals of some indoor , end of the week , tennis camp thing-a-ma-jig .
i am practically dancing as raccoons line up at the tennis house window to get a brief glimpse of what is going on .
you see...i literally found god the night before and he turned out to be not half the jerk i thought he would be...fuck , i didn't even make fun of the other kids in the showers .
TRUTH BE KNOW , IT IS NOT ABOUT THE BIGGEST COCK... BUT THE FASTEST RIGHT HOOK...AND I WON THAT BY A SHIT LOAD OF , WELL...SHIT .
i am practically dancing as raccoons line up at the tennis house window to get a brief glimpse of what is going on .
you see...i literally found god the night before and he turned out to be not half the jerk i thought he would be...fuck , i didn't even make fun of the other kids in the showers .
TRUTH BE KNOW , IT IS NOT ABOUT THE BIGGEST COCK... BUT THE FASTEST RIGHT HOOK...AND I WON THAT BY A SHIT LOAD OF , WELL...SHIT .
Sunday, March 26, 2017
chapter 64
if you kill a man...you could end up in jail for years...if you kill 3 , 436...you could end up in jail for a half a day longer or so...( quite a bargain ) .
...and how does this relate to tennis ??? simple...i played this cheater once in the quarter finals of some tournament or another that actually hired prostitutes to pick up the pace a little...and talking pigs from outer-space to give oodles of top notch advice to the participants .
...in some minute way...''the cheater guy'' fucked up the universe...and once we discover that everything is nothing and nothing is everything...we will also conclude that his cheating is either far more or far less significant than we ever thought possible .
...and how does this relate to tennis ??? simple...i played this cheater once in the quarter finals of some tournament or another that actually hired prostitutes to pick up the pace a little...and talking pigs from outer-space to give oodles of top notch advice to the participants .
...in some minute way...''the cheater guy'' fucked up the universe...and once we discover that everything is nothing and nothing is everything...we will also conclude that his cheating is either far more or far less significant than we ever thought possible .
chapter 63
i went to church to beat some poor fucker up...
in walked god ...
he introduced himself ...
shook my hand ...
then pushed me over a chair ...
i put three people in the hospital the week before for beating up the alderman's kid ...
i thought he was there to thank me ...
nope ...
the whole thing reminded me of the christmas carol :
'' this , this . what the fuck is this ''...
or something like that .
in walked god ...
he introduced himself ...
shook my hand ...
then pushed me over a chair ...
i put three people in the hospital the week before for beating up the alderman's kid ...
i thought he was there to thank me ...
nope ...
the whole thing reminded me of the christmas carol :
'' this , this . what the fuck is this ''...
or something like that .
chapter 61
in a nut shell , by the time the summer of 1977 had passed...it will have done as much for little green , ugly paedophile trolls...as the summer of 1975 had done for overenthusiastic giant sharks .
...but that had nothing to do with ME...you know , unless the troll would go into the liquor store and pick me up a ''billion pack'' of imported 25 % MOTHER FUCKING DYNAMO ALE....which , of course , history will record that he did not .
my role was a little bit different...my roll was to train monkeys how to shit on the curtains once the owners got them home from the pet store .
...and i had one more fucking role , too...that was getting my ass handed to me four times in the same summer by one , mr . john anderson ...he beat me so badly that i could barely find any excuses...and i am a maritime r...we have perfected the art of bullshit .
yup , john anderson almost blew me into retirement...then we would become good friends and he would resurrect my vague , super - nova career with a bucket of warm water and an early evening showing of GHOSTBUSTERS 17...you know , the one where bill murray gooses the arch - bishop .
...but that had nothing to do with ME...you know , unless the troll would go into the liquor store and pick me up a ''billion pack'' of imported 25 % MOTHER FUCKING DYNAMO ALE....which , of course , history will record that he did not .
my role was a little bit different...my roll was to train monkeys how to shit on the curtains once the owners got them home from the pet store .
...and i had one more fucking role , too...that was getting my ass handed to me four times in the same summer by one , mr . john anderson ...he beat me so badly that i could barely find any excuses...and i am a maritime r...we have perfected the art of bullshit .
yup , john anderson almost blew me into retirement...then we would become good friends and he would resurrect my vague , super - nova career with a bucket of warm water and an early evening showing of GHOSTBUSTERS 17...you know , the one where bill murray gooses the arch - bishop .
Friday, March 24, 2017
chapter 60
...and something else happened as well...god spoke to me...really...no shit...i was in the car with my mom and her best buddy...and out of fucking nowhere...there it was...this voice...and you want to know what he said to me ??? get this...he told me that i would be the # 1 class " A " player in the province...all i had to do was ride an elephant across the universe...( we serve an epic god ) .
...something about...if it doesn't happen...the world will fall apart...you know , biblical stuff...the kind of intense variations of the universe that makes your penis turns into butter...and your soul turn into cornflakes .
...something about...if it doesn't happen...the world will fall apart...you know , biblical stuff...the kind of intense variations of the universe that makes your penis turns into butter...and your soul turn into cornflakes .
chapter 59
i think it was after the p .e .i . open...i slithered down to the railroad tracks and smoked what i believed to be was my first hashish cigar...i was so inspired that i stripped one of the kids naked , dressed him up as a pig and made him squeal all the way home .
my logic was simple...this is what great athletes do...you know...either that or golf cain toads...or go to church .
my logic was simple...this is what great athletes do...you know...either that or golf cain toads...or go to church .
chapter 57
i wanted to play naked tennis...but then i realised that there was no place to keep your balls .
chapter 56
when all was said and done , at the end of 1976...i was on the provincial champion davis cup team...had two really big wins to my name...and was ranked # 9 .
not only that...but i spread a rumour that i seduced the most beautiful girl on the circuit and everyone believed me...i even included a map of how i penetrated...complete with a colouring book and a set of 72 crayons .
indeed , i may have had the hardest serve in atlantic canada...but , under the right...( or wrong )...circumstances...i could also be a prick...and not a nice prick at that .
have you ever looked deep within a porcupine's eyes ??? now , that is my kind of prick .
chapter 55
before we continue...let me clarify myself in regards to mr. tim shoveller : not only was he one of the few people on the tennis circuit that gave a flying fuck about anyone but himself...timmy was also one of the most considerate human beings that the aliens decided not to abduct , for whatever fucking reason .
tim didn't think i would beat nicholson for the very same reason nobody else thought i would beat him...he was fucking better than i was...and to make matters worse...i was having a mild asthma attack...there i was , you know...staring at the sky watching jesus and the disciples shake their heads and throw up all over the court...i would have puked too but i had something else on my mind...BIGFOOT !!!
tim didn't think i would beat nicholson for the very same reason nobody else thought i would beat him...he was fucking better than i was...and to make matters worse...i was having a mild asthma attack...there i was , you know...staring at the sky watching jesus and the disciples shake their heads and throw up all over the court...i would have puked too but i had something else on my mind...BIGFOOT !!!
chapter 53
ken nicholson , second round...my friends...( and i use the term loosely )...are laughing at me profusely...and i am not even naked...not only laughing...but tim shoveller has told me exactly how i was going to lose...he got scientific and intellectual on my ass...he even fucking consulted an egyptian demi -god...he said...YOU FUCKING SUCK , STRANG ...( come to think of it...he wasn't the best scientist in the galaxy .
i walked onto the court , just behind ''mr . nationally ranked''...complete with my t . shirt that read...I WOULD RATHER BE MASTURBATING...the net looked more like a hanging rope than a rope...and the fence made me feel like i was locked in jail ) .
FUCK !!!
in the immortal words of lindsay beckingham...''i think i am in trouble'' .
i walked onto the court , just behind ''mr . nationally ranked''...complete with my t . shirt that read...I WOULD RATHER BE MASTURBATING...the net looked more like a hanging rope than a rope...and the fence made me feel like i was locked in jail ) .
FUCK !!!
in the immortal words of lindsay beckingham...''i think i am in trouble'' .
Thursday, March 23, 2017
chapter 52
it was the nova scotia , jr . davis cup...sort of like the world davis cup...but smaller...it was also the day that i realised that emotional abuse could be far worse than the standard poke your son in the face with a gun kinda shit .
some ''old bat'' screamed and hollered at me all through the finals...long story short...we won and the old lady later on that day lost her virginity with one on the twelve year old kids ...( at least , rumour has it ) .
...next stop : new brunswick and the troll people .
some ''old bat'' screamed and hollered at me all through the finals...long story short...we won and the old lady later on that day lost her virginity with one on the twelve year old kids ...( at least , rumour has it ) .
...next stop : new brunswick and the troll people .
chapter 51
i won a few rounds in windsor...it is hard to play hungover .
in 1988 i will be in australia , skinny dipping in a crocodile infested lake...i will be completely ignorant of the danger that surrounds me...this , however , will be nothing compared to the bullshit i will have to swallow in the quaint little town of new glasco , nove scotia .
new glasco...a great place to start a plague and teach your kids how to eat shit .
in 1988 i will be in australia , skinny dipping in a crocodile infested lake...i will be completely ignorant of the danger that surrounds me...this , however , will be nothing compared to the bullshit i will have to swallow in the quaint little town of new glasco , nove scotia .
new glasco...a great place to start a plague and teach your kids how to eat shit .
chapter 50
the summer of 1976 was completely fucked up .
it began in the windsor tennis house partaking in a practice that will become a very intimate part of my life : blowing sasquatch .
my most vivid memory is of a friend telling me that he was not a friend .
...as it turns out...he was correct .
...we got in shit ...but we deserved it .
it began in the windsor tennis house partaking in a practice that will become a very intimate part of my life : blowing sasquatch .
my most vivid memory is of a friend telling me that he was not a friend .
...as it turns out...he was correct .
...we got in shit ...but we deserved it .
Tuesday, March 7, 2017
chapter 48
let us go back to '' the summer of the shark " again...there i was minding my own business and suddenly a herd of kids , teenagers , adults , sasquatch...every fucking thing you could imagine trampled by me to reach the same frigging destination...court two .
...and there he was...nationally ranked and all...mr . kent nicholson .
i watched him and felt less and less like a tennis player with every stroke he made...fuck he was good...and not the quiet kind of good either...but the kind of good that crawls up your ass and bights the back of your brain .
...and there he was...nationally ranked and all...mr . kent nicholson .
i watched him and felt less and less like a tennis player with every stroke he made...fuck he was good...and not the quiet kind of good either...but the kind of good that crawls up your ass and bights the back of your brain .
chapter 47
to begin with...most miracles are never perceived as such...and after you read this book...you will probably not sway to the left or to the right in terms of your belief system .
point : beliefs should only be there to be challenged...otherwise , they really have no use .
point : beliefs should only be there to be challenged...otherwise , they really have no use .
chapter 46
in less than two years time i will run smack dab into the imagination of god and begin a course of events that will blow apart my universe in much in the same way that james bond licks to oblivion the lush , ripe , delicious tits of some english honey .
but for now , let us meditate upon my rock hard miracle of the 1976 new brunswick open .
but for now , let us meditate upon my rock hard miracle of the 1976 new brunswick open .
chapter 45
contrary to what people say...becoming a fairly reasonable tennis player does not protect you from poisonous spiders...what it does do , however , is give you an excuse to quit hockey and place your energy into something you really love to do .
i even had an amazingly fantastic coach...jay abbass , his name , though i kept on thinking that he was going to change it to jay abbass , for some strange reason or another.
the winter of 1975 would be the best winter of my life...and thanks to jay and my mother...i would exceed all expectations for a boy who had only played a year and a half .
TOO BAD I WAS A LITTLE SHIT .
i even had an amazingly fantastic coach...jay abbass , his name , though i kept on thinking that he was going to change it to jay abbass , for some strange reason or another.
the winter of 1975 would be the best winter of my life...and thanks to jay and my mother...i would exceed all expectations for a boy who had only played a year and a half .
TOO BAD I WAS A LITTLE SHIT .
Friday, March 3, 2017
chapter 43
a tennis ranking is when they subscribe a number to you that tells you your worth as a human being...for example...a ranking of seven means you are better than most but still have six to go...
...all winter long i measured my penis and articulately searched the news paper to discover my worth as a human being...
then it happened...like a pig flying out of your ass...the mother fuckers decided to not rank me...i mean...eleven wins in my first year and no ranking...indeed , a communist plot .
of course i blamed it on the aliens...either that or big foot...anyhow...the world continued to spin in eighteen thousand ways at the same time...and a spaniel remained a boy's best friend .
as for the rest...they could all bugger themselves all the way to a distant universe...and break their teeth tripping over the finish line in the special olympics .
...all winter long i measured my penis and articulately searched the news paper to discover my worth as a human being...
then it happened...like a pig flying out of your ass...the mother fuckers decided to not rank me...i mean...eleven wins in my first year and no ranking...indeed , a communist plot .
of course i blamed it on the aliens...either that or big foot...anyhow...the world continued to spin in eighteen thousand ways at the same time...and a spaniel remained a boy's best friend .
as for the rest...they could all bugger themselves all the way to a distant universe...and break their teeth tripping over the finish line in the special olympics .
Thursday, March 2, 2017
chapter 42
...of all the times i have seen an invasion from outer space...non of them were during a tennis tournament...so i got that going for me .
Wednesday, March 1, 2017
chapter 41
when i was 13 , the infamous summer of 1975...mom and i won either one or two parent and child tournaments together .
my prize was my first pocket pussy...( of course , plastic wasn't as good back then ) .
my prize was my first pocket pussy...( of course , plastic wasn't as good back then ) .
chapter 40
one of my mother's favourite strategies was to take a hungry crocodile onto the court with her .
chapter 39
i would assume my mother holds the record for tennis tournaments won in the province of nova scotia...it was really weird , last summer , watching jr . tennis and most of the kids sweating their ass's off for their first trip to the semi's...they , basically , didn't know who i was...and that is fine...i get it...but my mother is in the history books , for fuck sake...and all those little booger-eaters should be aware of that fact .
chapter 38
quite often , after the lesson , my dear , loving mother would take me to tom tomasso pizza for an orgasmic trip to the other side of the space continuum .
fucking good pizza , man...the best...and i have seen a lot of this soon -to- be dead planet .
tommy would yell shit at us...like..." go to pizza delight , you dumb fucking ass hole...stop wasting my fucking time ''...and everyone would laugh...'' ha , ha , ha ha " .
fucking good pizza , man...the best...and i have seen a lot of this soon -to- be dead planet .
tommy would yell shit at us...like..." go to pizza delight , you dumb fucking ass hole...stop wasting my fucking time ''...and everyone would laugh...'' ha , ha , ha ha " .
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