autumn in halifax is beautiful...especially when you have a spaniel .
i was invited to attend a tennis program for the top juniors in the region...nobody got hurt , but i was reminded of my dark and lizard - like journey into the land of drunken reptiles .
...they forced us to have sex with sea monsters .
Friday, February 24, 2017
Thursday, February 23, 2017
chapter 36
do you know what the work EXTRAPOLATE means ??? it means that , if you are smart enough...you can figure out just about everything about someone by the way they pick their nose .
does this have anything to do with tennis ??? extrapolation , jesus , bull terriers...it is all the same thing , baby !!!
does this have anything to do with tennis ??? extrapolation , jesus , bull terriers...it is all the same thing , baby !!!
chapter 35
...so there i was , a thirteen year old kid , gocking out my window , fairly convinced that there are no sasquatch for miles...
SUDDENLY...there are red shapes dancing on my upstairs window...they move...they take form...they molest each other...they cut off each others heads and brains...then one guy , as he holds his buddies dick on a piece of wood...stares at me and waves...then proceeds to lop it off , like a gorilla ripping a banana into two equal pieces .
oh , my god , i am thinking...I NEED POPCORN !!!
SUDDENLY...there are red shapes dancing on my upstairs window...they move...they take form...they molest each other...they cut off each others heads and brains...then one guy , as he holds his buddies dick on a piece of wood...stares at me and waves...then proceeds to lop it off , like a gorilla ripping a banana into two equal pieces .
oh , my god , i am thinking...I NEED POPCORN !!!
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
chapter 34
...speaking of which...i did see a U . F . O . once...age 12 , on a garage roof with my friend , mark...( a tall fellow with a dog that could speak eight languages and had a personal relationship with bruce springsteen ) .
me , who couldn't articulate a word...began to feel quite jealous of the mutt...right until the time he began to tie fishing gear for me...( flies , obviously not lours )...then all was forgiven...
...as for the aliens...who really fucking cares ???
...BUT they were there...and their ship did all sorts of fucked up things in the sky .
mark said they even made his balls twirl around .
me , who couldn't articulate a word...began to feel quite jealous of the mutt...right until the time he began to tie fishing gear for me...( flies , obviously not lours )...then all was forgiven...
...as for the aliens...who really fucking cares ???
...BUT they were there...and their ship did all sorts of fucked up things in the sky .
mark said they even made his balls twirl around .
Monday, February 20, 2017
chapter 33
the good thing about being 13 years old and playing autumn tennis...is that it really doesn't matter how cold it is outside...your cock is as hot as a hot dog , and ready to take off like that little martian fucker on bugs bunny .
i really don't think that he wanted to eat bugs , no , indeed...he really wanted to suck his banana...you can tell by that screwie look in his eyes .
i really don't think that he wanted to eat bugs , no , indeed...he really wanted to suck his banana...you can tell by that screwie look in his eyes .
chapter 32
september nights on the clay courts...i had won eleven matches in my first yeas of competitive tennis...and had been attacked by no mountain lions .
...don't fuck around with a mountain lion and they probably won't fuck around with you .
...don't fuck around with a mountain lion and they probably won't fuck around with you .
chapter 31
the end of summer...we drove to cape breton to play in the grand prix finals...a tournament reserved only for the top players on the circuit...i was to play a fellow 13 year who would save my career in six short years... mean while , i would lose what was commonly considered " the best first round match of the tournament " .
as for doubles...FUCK DOUBLES...only greg sullivan could possibly make doubles interesting for me...and i would not meet him until 1984 .
Monday, February 13, 2017
chapter 30
one of my favourite albums from the summer of 1975 was...WISH YOU WERE HERE...by art rock masters , PINK FLOYD...thing is , what people do not realise about that album...is that the title was supposed to be...I JUST EJACULATED 10 YARDS...WISH YOU WERE HERE .
...what people choose to forget about the summer of 1975 is that it was just about the hottest summer we have on record .
and , oh yes...JAWS fucked up just about everyone's time on the beach...personally , i did go swimming...but i kept my bird in my hand .
...what people choose to forget about the summer of 1975 is that it was just about the hottest summer we have on record .
and , oh yes...JAWS fucked up just about everyone's time on the beach...personally , i did go swimming...but i kept my bird in my hand .
chapter 28
i played the novia scotia junior class ''a'' , at the same location we played the first tournament of the summer...fuckeyes , nowa scotia...better known as truro .
i still remember sleeping in the gym with all those other teenage boys...one particular night , for some particular reason that only god may be aware of...not one of these little pricks made a sound...not a mother-fucking peep...that is...until THE CAPTAIN AND TENIELE ejaculated through the airwaves...and we all sang in sub-perfect unison...LOVE WILL KEEP US TOGETHER .
love indeed did not keep keep us together...but i did make it to the semi-finals .
i still remember sleeping in the gym with all those other teenage boys...one particular night , for some particular reason that only god may be aware of...not one of these little pricks made a sound...not a mother-fucking peep...that is...until THE CAPTAIN AND TENIELE ejaculated through the airwaves...and we all sang in sub-perfect unison...LOVE WILL KEEP US TOGETHER .
love indeed did not keep keep us together...but i did make it to the semi-finals .
Saturday, February 11, 2017
chapter 27
...it would be another three years until summer camping would put a temporary hold upon the most bizarre tennis career in the history of the province...in the mean time i would go on to shave a dead ungulate on the middle of court seven and then proceed to run over it with a motorbike .
i blamed it on all those boys with two handed back hands...and , of course...the devil .
i blamed it on all those boys with two handed back hands...and , of course...the devil .
chapter 26
...then i closed my eyes...then i opened them...there was some big , giant dude from another planet on the other side of the net...the judge told me to put down my penis and serve the ball .
fuck man...he was sending me messages...like microwaves through the sky...birds started to melt and explode at mid flight...he was telling me that if i lost the match...the entire planet would explode...i saw an avenging angel hovering over a tree...i hit the fucking thing as hard as i could...but not well enough .
...the good news...the avenging angel changed his mind .
...we drove home...and ran over 13 cows on the way .
fuck man...he was sending me messages...like microwaves through the sky...birds started to melt and explode at mid flight...he was telling me that if i lost the match...the entire planet would explode...i saw an avenging angel hovering over a tree...i hit the fucking thing as hard as i could...but not well enough .
...the good news...the avenging angel changed his mind .
...we drove home...and ran over 13 cows on the way .
Wednesday, February 8, 2017
chapter 25
it was march 1975...there were dragons in the sky...i pulled out my tennis raquet like an erected penis...we drove down to the tennis club through the mountains of fantastic heroin - like banks of snow .
fuck , we even found some really sweet retarded boy to make it four of us...come the end , we would have to murder him with clubs and knives , however...as we didn't want anyone to report on our progress .
fuck , we even found some really sweet retarded boy to make it four of us...come the end , we would have to murder him with clubs and knives , however...as we didn't want anyone to report on our progress .
Tuesday, February 7, 2017
chapter 24
back to the nudity thing...in actuality...you cannot play tennis naked...there is no place to put your balls .
sure , it seems like a good idea...like having THE GOLDEN GIRLS strip on national television...but good ideas often come like donkey piss...spread all over the lawn...and disappear like truth , justice...and reality .
i always wanted to get beamed upon THE STAR SHIP ENTERPRISE...but i was afraid that the transporter would fuck up my nuts .
sure , it seems like a good idea...like having THE GOLDEN GIRLS strip on national television...but good ideas often come like donkey piss...spread all over the lawn...and disappear like truth , justice...and reality .
i always wanted to get beamed upon THE STAR SHIP ENTERPRISE...but i was afraid that the transporter would fuck up my nuts .
chapter 23
...it was september 1974...giant rats had invaded the city and eaten the mayor...yet the tennis balls still flew under the autumn sky...
...meanwhile , not far away...a young man by the name of steven speilberg would be be fucking around with a giant , plastic shark .
...meanwhile , not far away...a young man by the name of steven speilberg would be be fucking around with a giant , plastic shark .
Thursday, February 2, 2017
chapter 22
night tennis is better when naked...unfortunately , the management does not share this philosophy ...the balls fly back and forth like opinions of idiots .
...the cry of the loons echo's off the harbour .
...the cry of the loons echo's off the harbour .
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)