as i walk away i think of my history...i actually won the class '' A " finals while having an asthma attack...and i only poisoned three people to do it...i only ever had one
''behaviour warning '' during my three and a half years on the circuit...and that was because my head was so fucked up on steroids - asthma -that i could hardly see the frigging ball...and as for my doubles partner , greg sullivan...he would tragically die on a " head on '' just days after i "hunted him down'' and told him how much he meant to me...
...yea...i gave greg my stuffed animal collection once...i heard a rumour that he fired them to the moon .
see you soon , greg
Friday, March 31, 2017
chapter 91
...so there i am...walking by a tennis court in the autumn of 2017...i had just played my " comeback tournament '' and had lost in the second round .
i got a great excuse...i have a disease that could actually make me hallucinate to the point that a tennis ball would look like a giant grasshopper...and that was one of the nice symptoms .
ANYWAY...there i am and this man in his mid forties comes up to me and says...'' are you stu strang ???
i stop picking my bum and reply...'' i am not sure any more...but go ahead " .
he tells me of how i rescued him from four bullies back in the eighties...he said that all his life he wanted to thank me .
...i smile and shook his hand .
i got a great excuse...i have a disease that could actually make me hallucinate to the point that a tennis ball would look like a giant grasshopper...and that was one of the nice symptoms .
ANYWAY...there i am and this man in his mid forties comes up to me and says...'' are you stu strang ???
i stop picking my bum and reply...'' i am not sure any more...but go ahead " .
he tells me of how i rescued him from four bullies back in the eighties...he said that all his life he wanted to thank me .
...i smile and shook his hand .
chapter 90
after beating dennis 7-5 in the third set...i went on to win the cape breton class " A " with relative ease .
...i then proceeded to hit a ball into the sky which , against all odds...struck and murdered an italian bald eagle...
...i walked off the court and was handed a letter half way to the podium .
...it was my girlfriend and i won't tell you what she said...but i will tell you that it should not be repeated .
by the time i got to the troll... ( trophy person )...and i mean that with all the respect to the troll kingdom...( trolls are actually sweet little loving creatures ) ...tears were streaming down my ass...and i would never see her hard-hearted , snarky , cute little face again .
...i then proceeded to hit a ball into the sky which , against all odds...struck and murdered an italian bald eagle...
...i walked off the court and was handed a letter half way to the podium .
...it was my girlfriend and i won't tell you what she said...but i will tell you that it should not be repeated .
by the time i got to the troll... ( trophy person )...and i mean that with all the respect to the troll kingdom...( trolls are actually sweet little loving creatures ) ...tears were streaming down my ass...and i would never see her hard-hearted , snarky , cute little face again .
chapter 89
now that i am almost finished this story , i can't help but think that this may mean nothing to you...that is to say...maybe you are jimmy connors...( the real greatest of all time )...and you think my fucking accomplishments are insanely boring...that you could have pulled them out of your ass...and killed an endangered species with them .
...maybe a whole lot of things...but this one will charm the crap out of you :
...maybe a whole lot of things...but this one will charm the crap out of you :
chapter 88
so...me and my arrow...( and if you get that reference , you are either very fucking old...or a musicologist )...are driving to cape breton so i can try my luck with '' the boys in the band '' .
...i grab a news paper to see who was in the main draw , tape it to the windshield , climb onto the hood...open up a 40 ''ouncer'' of rum...and let my fingers do the walking through the hallucinogenic ink...
...and there was his name before me...set to play me , if all things remain equal , in the semi-finals...dennis lablanc...disputably , the number one class "A " player of all time .
suddenly the universe doesn't seem so friendly .
...i grab a news paper to see who was in the main draw , tape it to the windshield , climb onto the hood...open up a 40 ''ouncer'' of rum...and let my fingers do the walking through the hallucinogenic ink...
...and there was his name before me...set to play me , if all things remain equal , in the semi-finals...dennis lablanc...disputably , the number one class "A " player of all time .
suddenly the universe doesn't seem so friendly .
chapter 87
do you know what i really love about life ??? lesbians !!! i can't get enough of them...spaniels and lesbians are god's best ideas .
and as for those fundamentalists who believe that being a lesbian is a ''sin''...well , the only reason you really believe that is so i can have a good laugh at you .
not that i wish i were a lesbian...and not that i wish that i were not , either...it is not about that...and it is not about a whole lot of things...
...what is it about ??? i will tell you...it is about : SMILE , AND HAVE A LESBIAN KINDA DAY !!!
and as for those fundamentalists who believe that being a lesbian is a ''sin''...well , the only reason you really believe that is so i can have a good laugh at you .
not that i wish i were a lesbian...and not that i wish that i were not , either...it is not about that...and it is not about a whole lot of things...
...what is it about ??? i will tell you...it is about : SMILE , AND HAVE A LESBIAN KINDA DAY !!!
Thursday, March 30, 2017
chapter 85
...just for the record , i payed back mr . piggot's generosity over the course of the summer by beating him on four separate occasions .
i tried to convince him not to take it seriously , and that it was god's will...but he seemed to think that there were other factors involved...you know...like me being an ass hole .
jim was my favourite opponent...he was dangerous and he knew how to have fun...the four straight victories meant very little if anything .
i tried to convince him not to take it seriously , and that it was god's will...but he seemed to think that there were other factors involved...you know...like me being an ass hole .
jim was my favourite opponent...he was dangerous and he knew how to have fun...the four straight victories meant very little if anything .
chapter 84
...do you know how i beat pat drake ??? simple...i didn't...jim piggot beat him for me...that is to say...he implanted this little martian device in the back of my ass...and it would give me directions every time i farted ...neat , eh ???
just for the record...if you ever get a chance to eat someone from mars...fry it...do not bake .
just for the record...if you ever get a chance to eat someone from mars...fry it...do not bake .
chapter 83
...the question still remains...would spider man be an alcoholic if he couldn't do that spider man thing ???
chapter 82
...next stop , liverpool...which set up a final match between me and this guy...( no shit )...dressed like a drunken pirate .
davis atkinson was kinda out of his mind and kinda sweet...ANYWAY...i thought he was one of the most entertaining players in the history of the sport .
davis handed me my second loss in the finals in a row , having captured the halifax natal day by beating pat drake , despite his 150 mile an hour forehand that apparently accidentally hit a cat so hard that they had to break a chained link fence to get what was left of his testicles out of there .
davis atkinson was kinda out of his mind and kinda sweet...ANYWAY...i thought he was one of the most entertaining players in the history of the sport .
davis handed me my second loss in the finals in a row , having captured the halifax natal day by beating pat drake , despite his 150 mile an hour forehand that apparently accidentally hit a cat so hard that they had to break a chained link fence to get what was left of his testicles out of there .
Wednesday, March 29, 2017
chapter 81
the first thing we had to do is give greg a nick name...we settled on SMUGALONTEESUG , as it seemed like a reasonable choice at the time .
...then we had to get him a female companion...and we did...one that would ride 100 plus miles per hour down the wrong side of the road , heading straight for an 18 wheeler...as she climbed onto the top of the hood waving her vibrator like a confederate flag .
we went to lunenburg...and mr . sullivan...god bless his heart...disposed of me in the finals .
playing greg was an honour...he hit the ball exactly the way i imagined jesus hitting the ball ...( you know ??? kinda ) .
...then we had to get him a female companion...and we did...one that would ride 100 plus miles per hour down the wrong side of the road , heading straight for an 18 wheeler...as she climbed onto the top of the hood waving her vibrator like a confederate flag .
we went to lunenburg...and mr . sullivan...god bless his heart...disposed of me in the finals .
playing greg was an honour...he hit the ball exactly the way i imagined jesus hitting the ball ...( you know ??? kinda ) .
chapter 80
if you ever decide you are a nudest...here is a good idea for you...become a model in an art college and have them throw money at you for it .
my best pose was having a shit right on the centre of the stage...they compared me to mosart for that one .
my best pose was having a shit right on the centre of the stage...they compared me to mosart for that one .
chapter 79
fuck it...who cares...what the hell...screw a monkey and all that crap...i didn't like doubles , anyway...i played with my folks , because they were so fucking cool...but , besides that...doubles meant sweet little nothing to me .
greg and in , in 1984 , '' kicked ass ''...not because we were any good...we kinda sucked...but we were pretty good at singles...so all we did was play singles on a doubles court...that and a t - spoon of rat poison...and , just like john lennon..." we got through the night '' .
...greg was my new buddy...and a meeker soul you could not find .
greg and in , in 1984 , '' kicked ass ''...not because we were any good...we kinda sucked...but we were pretty good at singles...so all we did was play singles on a doubles court...that and a t - spoon of rat poison...and , just like john lennon..." we got through the night '' .
...greg was my new buddy...and a meeker soul you could not find .
chapter 78
...so there i was...sitting on a bench...thinking about dingo's...wondering if their sexual insecurity is what causes them to behave like a pirates with no left nut...then this guy sits beside me...he smiles...no , i mean really smiles...for , like 20 minutes...then he opens his moth and proceeds to speak...he says... ''you and i would make a really good doubles team '' .
chapter 77
the summers of 1982 and 1983 , my health was simply too erratic to play on the circuit...not that i was dying or anything...( that would come later )...but i didn't want to find myself in the quarter finals somewhere only to have " sick stu '' rear his ugly head and proceed to laugh at me all the way to the showers .
i spent the summer teaching tennis and travelling the galaxy...more the former than the ladder .
i also learned the art of performing an exorcism...only to discover people were madly in love with their demonic worship .
...too bad .
i spent the summer teaching tennis and travelling the galaxy...more the former than the ladder .
i also learned the art of performing an exorcism...only to discover people were madly in love with their demonic worship .
...too bad .
Tuesday, March 28, 2017
chapter 76
...one of the kids i was teaching became a good friend some six years later...i remember us going for a drive to some place or another...and out of nowhere these prostitutes jumped into the back of my car and began fondling themselves with a hash pipe .
i told them that their behaviour was very inappropriate....and that if they were going to smoke that shit in my car...at the very least one tit should be hanging out .
god bless their hyper hooker souls...they agreed with my logic and each one slung a big fat one out of a window .
...it was a splendid evening .
i told them that their behaviour was very inappropriate....and that if they were going to smoke that shit in my car...at the very least one tit should be hanging out .
god bless their hyper hooker souls...they agreed with my logic and each one slung a big fat one out of a window .
...it was a splendid evening .
chapter 75
my brother , at the tender age of 15...had screwed more housewives than i had wins in the win column...roughly translated...steven was better at his sport than i was at mine .
chapter 74
the girls really didn't give a flying fuck...but what the guys really liked was me serving the ball hard enough to break the raquit...it went over great...fuck...you would have thought i had bought them beach front property on the sun...but let's face it...back then...making people smile was a much fucking easier game .
oh , yes...they...( boys and girls )..loved the little puppet i brought to the show who went by the name of TERRY TENNIS...he fascinated them...
...i remember the first time john... came to visit my site....the kids were screaming..." we want terry tennis , we want terry tennis "...john quietly turned to me and said...'' who in the fuck is terry tennis " ???
...so we showed him .
oh , yes...they...( boys and girls )..loved the little puppet i brought to the show who went by the name of TERRY TENNIS...he fascinated them...
...i remember the first time john... came to visit my site....the kids were screaming..." we want terry tennis , we want terry tennis "...john quietly turned to me and said...'' who in the fuck is terry tennis " ???
...so we showed him .
chapter 73
the next three years were probably the happiest of my life...our P .W . M .T . L . site was more of a community than anything else...the kids loved each other and john...( the guy who MIRACULOUSLY got me the job )...even helped me get my shambles of a tennis game back together ...in 1981 i was either # 10 or 11...and , better still...i was enjoying the game again...it was right up there with my spaniel in terms of what i thought was one of god 's reasonable ideas .
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